On Wednesday night, March 12, 2008 I found myself pacing in my NYC apartment feeling very agitated. I had not been able to reach my mother for several days. Every time I called, she was being bathed, or in therapy etc.
At the time she was in treatment after a stroke on a medical floor of a nursing home in Chicago where she knew everyone and was well cared for.
Finally, I stopped pacing and said out loud without any thought that I would say these words, "Mom, if you need to go, go. It's okay."
That Friday, March 14th at 3pm she was joking with a nurse. About 5 she became short of breath. In about 15 minutes she was gone. I was devastated, but happy for her. Ever since the stroke she had not been able to eat or drink anything because the swollow reflex had been compromised. And mom had always enjoyed her food!
The day after she died, I was in my kitchen, leaning on my hutch and said, again out loud: "Well, how are we going to do this? Are you going to come to me in a dream? A vision? Some sign? I have to know how you are."
Now my mother always loved music. Always had the radio on, loved musicals, sang in church. Me? I love music but seldom listen to it because if I've time I want to read, or write, or paint! I also know very little about it. But right after I said I had to know how she was, I heard music in my head from an old popular song...
"Every move you make, every breath you take, I'll be watching you. Oh, baby can't you see?
You belong to me..."
I vaguely remembered the song but didn't find out until later that it's a love gone wrong stalker song!
But just then those words were perfect for me.
I then walked into my living room and my legs just gave out and I sank to my carpeted floor crying. I knelt there and wrapped my arms around myself, holding myself. After a few moments I found I was holding myself tighter and tighter to the point where it was too much. It was then I felt my mother was holding me. So I asked her, "Why are you holding me so tight?" And I heard her in my mind say, "Because I didn't do it enough before."
Wow. I will tell you that my mother was not demonstrative. A light kiss but no hugging until I was in my mid thirties. I commented to my sister back then, 'Mom must be watching Oprah!'
So again, she responded in her own way, not one I could ever have predicted.
"Be Attentive." Native American
Believe in The Power of the Heart. --Jacqueline